In the past 10 ½ months of being a father I've gained a vast wealth of knowledge on what it takes to be a successful dad so I've decided to use my god given gift for the betterment of society and do a weekly column on various topics loosely related to parenthood. So mosey on up, get comfy on my knee and get ready for me to learn you sumthin.
Episode 1 of Ricky's Knee is actually a post from a couple of weeks ago titled "How to be a good dad". In it, I described (duh) how to be a good dad. I've decided that for Episode 2 I will elaborate on my first two rules of being a good dad. Changing diapers and getting poo on your fingers in the process. Actually, more specifically, how to check to see if a diaper needs to be changed without getting poo finger.
If, while holding your baby, you detect a hint of baby potpourri, there are a series of checks you can make to confirm the presence of dookie.
Step one: With thumb and finger grasp the bottom of the diaper and give er a squeeze. Did it feel like a tube of toothpaste? If so, go on to step 2. If not, you're probably in the clear because it was just a cute little baby fart. Baby farts are cute, daddy farts are not. Why is this? Discuss.
Step two: While facing the baby away from you and holding her under the arms, proceed to jamb your nose into the back of the diaper and take a giant wiff. Do you feel like passing out? If so, move on to step 3. If not, rejoice in the fact that you didn't just stick your nose mere fractions of an inch of baby butt vomit.
Step three: This is where things can go horribly wrong. Very carefully grasp the back of the diaper at the waist band, pull it out and peer down baby's plumbers crack. Be very, very careful not to grasp the inside of the waist band. I have made this mistake before and got the ole stink finger. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you have poo on your finger of if you were smart enough to simply see the poo go onto step 4.
Step four: Arguably the most important step takes a bit of finesse. In your most frantic voice, yell to your wife that you "think" baby needs a change but you just realized you forgot to check the headlight fluid in the car (the gullibility/intelligence of your wife will dictate how believable the story needs to be) and that you need to get to it immediately. If you successfully weezled your way out of changing the diaper, proceed to step 5. If you're stuck doing it yourself, you're on your own.
Step five: Sneak out to the garage where you secretly stashed a mini fridge stocked with beer. Pop open a beer while randomly clanging various objects around the garage to feign productivity. Enjoy the beer, you've earned it.