Thursday, July 21, 2005

Nipple sandwiches for everyone!

Last night Marcy and I had our third installment of our birthing class. While the first class was provocative in its own way, last night's class was by far the funniest. To balance out the porn that we viewed in the first class we were shown a cartoonish video about elks and epidurals. I guess they feel that talking about epidurals on an elk is less disturbing than on humans. I'll tell you what I find more disturbing. I find it disturbing to see poorly animated elks playing the part of a human family. We even got to see the preggers elk mother's legs spread with the baby's head poking out "down there". I'm not four years old ya know, I think that I can handle seeing the real thing.

I also got a good chuckle when the instructor was talking about how to breast feed. Essentially you are supposed to pretend that you are making a nipple sandwich (her words, not mine) to put into the baby's mouth. I've decided that "nipple sandwich" is going to be my new catch phrase. It will go something like this "oh yeah, well you're a nipple sandwich!" or something else of that nature.

The piece de resistance (piece of resistance for those of you who don't speak french) was when the instructor explained that sometimes the umbilical cord will come out before the baby. If this happens the doctor must hold the cord in with his or her fingers while the mother is rushed to the emergency birthing room on a gurney while in the (I swear that I'm not making this up!) "doggie style" position because this puts the least amount of stress on the cord thus keeping the baby from suffocating from a pinched cord. I certainly don't wish this on anyone but I truly hope that if it ever happens at our hospital that I'm there to witness it. Truly a fantastic photo-op.

Thank god I never matured.

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